On a Bike Ride this Morning, I Saw a Man Bathing his Cock

And other tales from a Life Behind Bars

Words and stick drawings by Mia Sebastian

(Warning: this article is not sexually explicit. My sincerest apologies for any disappointment caused by this.)

It’s a life John F. Kennedy longed for, a life that Lance Armstrong has gained fame and wealth for, and one that we delighted in as children, perhaps, but have long since forgotten: cycling.

It’s a life of speeding down tracks, weaving in and out of cars, or simply cruising through neighborhood streets – and picking up some pan de sal on the way. ‘Lifers’ or cyclists – as you may have now gathered – come in different shapes and forms, from the glucose-sucking triathletes with equipment worth as much as a small chalet in the Alps, to BMXers with their punked-out bikes and outfits, to the guy delivering cinema reels on his beat-up road bike with upturned handles.

But beyond all the bells and whistles is the simple, timeless joy of hopping on a bike and going wherever your two legs care to take you. Or the joy of seeing your surroundings from a different point of view, and all the surprising things you’ll notice. Sometimes it’s the quirky color combination of an old house you otherwise speed past, or a tiny café tucked behind a tree, or, as it was for me last week, the sight of a man tenderly giving his rooster a morning bath by a busy roadside (well what did you think I was talking about, you dirty fiend!). And should you not wish to tour Metro Manila in royal blue spandex – well that is entirely up to you.

Hop On
This is a bicycle:

And the first place I suggest to look for one is in your garage. An old bicycle can be restored to pedaling condition fairly simply, and one of the bike stores at Cartimar, Pasay can help you check/fix/replace your tires, brakes, or whatever else has fallen victim to the years. The neighborhood bike store or mechanic is usually more open to doing this work for you than the flashy store at the mall would be. Otherwise Cartimar is a safe bet.

Got a bit to spend?
Plan to buy and don't know where to start? Bikes can fall into five simple categories:

1. Commuter Bike – 1 to 3 gears.

Sometimes with a basket or a rear rack for carrying stuff. Upright sitting position and comfortable handlebars. Tires aren’t too thick but good for a comfy and easy ride.

2. Mountain Bike – More gears, thick, heavily treaded tires for excellent grip.

Straight handlebars, relatively upright and comfortable sitting position. A bit slow on the road, though.

3. Road Bike – A lot of gears, too.

More forward and bent riding position, which can cause back problems if the bike doesn’t have the right dimensions for the riders height and reach. Thinner tires that may take getting used to balance-wise, and also tricky on wet roads – but these speed demons will zoom past the previous two, ceteris paribus.

4. Kiddie Bike

5. Tour de France Bike

Questionnaire: Find the Right Bike for You!
And here is a quick questionnaire to help you figure out which type is right for you:

1. Do you have a poster of Justin Bieber on your wall?
YES: Kiddie bike
NO: Proceed to question 2

2. Do you have a time trial with Lance Armstrong planned for next Thursday?
YES: Tour de France bike
NO: Proceed to next question

3. Are you a bit of a thrill-seeker, planning to ride hard and fast, or maybe use your bike to get seriously fit?
YES: Road bike
NO: Proceed to next question

4. Are you an Igorot?
YES: Mountain bike
NO: Proceed to next question

5. Are you not necessarily part of an indigenous mountain tribe, but are outdoorsy, and may fancy a bike ride through a forest trail or something fresh and scenic like that?
YES: Mountain bike
NO: Proceed to next question

6. Do you plan to use your bike as a kind of practical mode of transpo: to ride to work/other destinations nearby?
YES: Proceed to 6a)
NO: Proceed to 7

6a) Do you want to get there fast and snappy?
YES: Road bike
No: Proceed to 6b)

6b) Are comfort and practicality more important to you?
YES: Commuter Bike
NO: Go to 6c)

6c) Do you need a bike that can take all sorts of road and weather conditions?
YES: Maybe a mountain bike then…
NO: Go to 7

7. Are you sick of all these questions and just wanna go buy a freaking bike already?
YES: Okay sorry, just go to Cartimar and find something that looks cute.

Next: BIKE MANILA! Yes you can!

For a list of bicycle shops that can meet your cycling needs, click here.

Comments

Wendell Padilla Ii said:
I was curious about the "attention-grabbing" title of the article. I must say at first I thought it was a not-so-wholesome feature. But seeing the images attached to the article, I was relieved. Hahaha. Great job!