It's a holifake! If Christmas has its grinch, then Valentines Day has me. I can't help it; I've developed this fascination for conspiracy theories and psycho-analysis--things that have lead me to scrutinize the exotic specimens that suddenly emerge during the festival of hearts.

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Oh the malls are barraged with decorative hearts and sweet nothings. Well hello western consumerism! Valentines: A day to celebrate love or the love  to overindulge? Whether it's the greeting card industry or the chocolatier megacorp who's in charge of this commercial ploy, we all know the real reason behind this holifake's existence.

I mean how unique is that? Take a look at it this way: would you want to be proposed to alongside a million other women? It's like having the same anniversary as the whole world.

On Valentines, it's the mad socientist created Valensteins who reveal their true selves, only to suck the happiness out of each and every being on the planet. Trust me, no positive table is left unturned. Worse than a zombie epidemic: they're able to transform those perfectly happy-go-lucky humans into rain clouds who have the innate capacity to drown you in their melancholy and placebo-misery. 

On Valentines Day, they surely do!

So what if you don't have a date? Trust me, there are a million other (more important) things to worry about besides "Single Awareness Day"; so quit the sappy tantrums and get a grip! 

TIP: 

You may be a perfectly normal, functioning human being, but on Valentine's Day you're apparently not; on this occasion, you're as good as a whole new brand of SINGLE. Never mind that you're the most interesting person in the world, or the fact that the girl who asked you whether you had a date is a grade A loser. I can't say the same for the boys, but I somehow get the idea that on this particular day, the Barney Stinsons aren't made to feel so awesome. It's the Marshalls of the world that reap full Valentines potential. 

Y'all gotta learn how to be single and awesome.

Doesn't Valentines just magnify the pain a thousand times more???

Just check out the types of citizens a Pro-Valentines society breeds.

We don't need a stupid consumerist ploy to get us in the give-love groove. Love is meant to be experienced every day of our lives.

TIP: Try giving your special someone a Valentine's Day card on a Non-Valentine's Day. :)